This Girl Can

This post won’t be about achievements we traditionally perceive. I have no intentions of showing off, proving myself or craving any admiration. I would like to invite you to my world just as it is at the moment. Raw, vulnerable and real.

After recent death of my parents, my life turned upside down. And I’m not taking about headstand. Unless one stays in the headstand for months because this is exactly how I’m feeling right now.

Everything I was proud of and defined by in the past has disappeared. My vitality, radiance, positive energy, passion for life, divine practice, pure and simple mind, sense of security and support. It’s all gone. Just like my parents are gone. And it hurts, really hurts. Physically, mentally and emotionally!

So when I made the poster “This girl can” I meant:

This girl can get to work after sleepless nights.

This girl can face life even tho there seems to be no point.

This girl can show up beside enormous pain she is in.

This girl can feel sadness, loss, depression, frustration, anger, hopelessness and betrayal sometimes all in one hour.

This girl can walk even tho crawling seems like too much.

But I’ve made friends with grief now. We are getting closer now and understand each other more. I know this grief is simply love that took a different form. Nothing ever disappears, it just changes its form. So my parents haven’t disappear neither, and my vitality, radiance and all the things I’ve mentioned above. They are all there, they just look differently. I need to keep my eyes, ears, mind and all my senses open as they are not the same as they used to be. This situation, yet again, is calling for my awareness, presence, innocence and openness. And this understanding helps me get out of bed as difficult as it is often times.

I’m grateful for sleepless nights for finally I understand insomniacs who come to my classes.

I’m grateful for depression because I forgot what it feels like (that’s what Kundalini Yoga does to you). Now I will be able to have more empathy for people who suffer with depression and help them overcome it.

I’m grateful for grief because grief is love. And as hard as it is at times, I still remember the primal truth “We are love”

This girl can… LOVE

Sat nam!

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How conscious is your shit?

If today you were able to eat any food, consider yourself lucky.

If today you were able to digest and shit that food, consider yourself lucky.

I know most of you have never heard me swearing or talking about such basic physiological needs but life is not only happy, healthy and holy. Life is a combination of our basic body needs, struggles and achievements of your mind and desires and suffering of our spirit. I still do pray our lives are as happy, healthy and holy as possible but reality is often slightly different from the ideal concept.

I had a powerful reality check recently… More about it soon..

I had a very enlightening moment today. It wasn’t during sadhana or meditation. I was sitting on a loo and for the first time ever I thought I’m so fortunate and blessed having shit. My body is working so well for me and supporting me in everything I do. My body is a beautiful machine and allows me to live a more conscious life and help others to do likewise.

Where is this enlightening from? That’s my reality check.. Over last few days I’ve been serving my dad as he is suffering with stage four liver cancer. It’s so difficult to see him in such state that my eye got swollen and something popped out on my eyelid. He had so little food this week and hasn’t been to toilet once. So that’s our prayer – that his body starts functioning better and we can fight this awful disease.

My dad was an athlete, a parachuter and a hero in general in my eyes. He is an example of the most wonderful masculine energy that I truly admire. So seeing him losing so much weight and not being able to walk to a garden is truly heartbreaking.

And that’s my reality check. It’s fascinating how one’s perspective changes in situation like that.. How priorities change.

I’m feeling very lucky I could shit today. I’m feeling lucky I could pray and support my family and myself. This feeling of gratitude is the only tool I have that gives me strength and I can look at my dad with a smile on my face and say ‘We can do it together. We are an awesome team’

So next time you shit, be conscious of it. Be grateful for your body is functioning well and will help you to live more aware life and serve your soul purpose. Be conscious of your shit!

P.S. I wrote that 6 days before my dad died. I came to Poland two weeks before this passing and it was one of the most challenging, painful and terrifying times in my life. However, I’m very grateful I was with him as he felt very loved, cared for and supported by my sister and I.

P.S. 2. Dad, we are an awesome team! Forever    

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