We often think that being hard on ourselves is what makes us better.
We push ourselves because we want to achieve more. We criticise ourselves when we make mistakes. We compare ourselves to where we think we should be. We tell ourselves to try harder, do better, get our act together.
And, to be honest, sometimes it works.
Pressure can be a very effective motivator. But there is another question worth asking: do we really have to be hard on ourselves in order to grow?
What if kindness could motivate us too?
I'm not talking about letting yourself off everything or avoiding difficult things. I'm talking about learning to encourage ourselves, challenge ourselves and take responsibility without constantly being at war with ourselves.
Here are 5 reasons why kindness might actually work better for you than pressure.
1. You don't have to be hard on yourself to change
Think about what happens when you don't do something you said you would.
Maybe you don't go to the gym. You eat differently than you planned. You procrastinate. You make a mistake at work.
How do you speak to yourself?
For many of us, it can be quite harsh.
"I'm so lazy."
"Why can't I get my act together?"
"I should be better than this."
Somehow, we believe that if we criticise ourselves enough, we'll finally change.
But there is a difference between recognising that something didn't go well and attacking yourself because of it.
You can say, I didn't do what I wanted to do today. Why? What got in the way? What can I learn from this?
You're still taking responsibility. You're still learning. You're still moving forward.
You're just not making yourself feel bad in the process.
2. Kindness helps you listen
When we're used to pushing ourselves, the answer is often simply to push a little harder.
Feeling tired? Keep going.
Feeling overwhelmed? Get more organised.
Not achieving enough? Work harder.
But sometimes more isn't what we need.
Sometimes we're tired because we've been doing too much. Sometimes we're anxious because something doesn't feel right. Sometimes we're pushing towards something that we don't even really want anymore.
When we soften, we can start to hear these things.
This is one of the things I love about yoga. When we slow down and become more aware of the body, we start noticing what is actually happening.
We notice when we're forcing.
We notice when we're holding our breath.
We notice when we're doing something because we think we should, rather than because it feels right.
Softness gives us a chance to listen before we automatically push on.
3. You can still have ambition
Sometimes when we talk about kindness and self-compassion, there is a fear that we'll become too comfortable.
That if we stop criticising ourselves, we'll stop achieving things.
But being kind to yourself doesn't mean you stop wanting more from your life.
You can still have goals. You can still work hard. You can still want to improve and challenge yourself.
The difference is in the reason behind it.
There is a big difference between:
"I need to do more because I'm not good enough."
and:
"I care about this and I want to grow."
From the outside, these two people might look exactly the same. Both are working hard. Both are trying to improve.
But one is constantly trying to prove their worth, while the other is moving towards something that matters to them.
I don't think we need to make ourselves feel bad in order to grow.
4. Kindness makes it easier to start again
We all have days when things don't go according to plan.
You don't do your practice.
You eat something you didn't intend to eat.
You procrastinate.
You lose your patience.
You make a mistake.
And the mind can very quickly turn one difficult moment into a much bigger story.
"I've ruined everything."
"I'm back to square one."
"What's the point?"
This is where kindness can make such a difference.
Instead of turning one difficult day into a judgement about yourself, you can simply say:
Okay. That happened. What now?
Maybe you start again tomorrow.
Maybe you take a breath and try again in five minutes.
Maybe you apologise.
Maybe you learn something.
There is no need for punishment.
You just begin again.
This is something we practise on the yoga mat too. You lose your concentration, your mind wanders, you come out of the posture, you miss a breath.
You notice.
And you come back.
Again and again.
5. You can become your own ally
This is perhaps the biggest one for me.
What would it feel like if the person you spent the most time with was actually someone you felt safe with?
Someone who could tell you the truth, but didn't constantly put you down.
Someone who encouraged you without making you feel like you weren't enough.
Someone who could say, come on, let's try again, rather than you've failed again.
That person can be you.
It doesn't mean that you suddenly have to love every part of yourself or feel positive all the time. It's much simpler than that.
It's about changing the relationship you have with yourself.
Maybe instead of asking, What's wrong with me? you start asking, What's going on for me?
Instead of Why am I like this? you ask, What do I need?
Instead of immediately pushing yourself harder, you pause and listen.
This is what we are exploring together at High On Yoga - how to get more ‘Cosy Inside’. Join us here.